Do I Have an Insecure Attachment Style? Avoidant vs. Disorganised Explained

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What Are Attachment Styles?

Let’s start at the beginning - because this stuff can sound more complicated than it really is. At its core, your attachment style is simply the way you relate to others emotionally, especially in close relationships. It’s how you connect, how you trust, how you express your needs, and how safe (or unsafe) it feels to be emotionally close to someone. Our attachment style doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It’s shaped in early childhood, often before we even have the words to describe what we’re feeling. The way our caregivers responded to us - whether they were present, distant, warm, inconsistent, or even frightening - created the blueprint for how we view connection. That blueprint follows us into adulthood, often without us realising it.

When we were babies and young children, we relied completely on our caregivers for safety and comfort. If they were consistently nurturing, emotionally available, and responsive to our needs, we typically developed a secure attachment. That means we learned that relationships could be safe, and that people could be trusted. But if those early experiences were inconsistent, neglectful, emotionally confusing, or unsafe, our nervous systems adapted to cope. And that’s where the other attachment styles come in.

There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised. You can think of them as different survival strategies - each one a reflection of what a child had to do to maintain connection or protect themselves. But for now, we’re going to focus on two of the more complex and often misunderstood styles: avoidant and disorganised. These attachment styles tend to show up in subtle, sometimes confusing ways in adult life, especially in relationships. They can make intimacy feel scary, trust feel risky, and vulnerability feel almost impossible.

If you’ve ever wondered why you pull away when someone gets too close, or why you feel both desperate for love and terrified of it at the same time, you’re not alone. And it’s not because something is wrong with you - it’s because your nervous system is doing exactly what it was wired to do in order to keep you safe.

Understanding Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment can be a tricky one to spot - especially from the inside. On the surface, someone with avoidant tendencies might seem calm, capable, independent, and even emotionally self-sufficient. They’re often the ones who don’t like “drama,” who seem to be okay on their own, who keep things light and easy in relationships. But underneath that quiet composure, there’s usually a very different story - one rooted in self-protection, mistrust, and a fear of vulnerability that’s been there for a long time.

Avoidant attachment often begins in childhood when emotional closeness felt unsafe, unavailable, or even overwhelming. Maybe caregivers were physically present but emotionally distant - rarely offering comfort, rarely asking how you felt. Or maybe they expected you to be “the strong one,” praised you for being independent, or became uncomfortable anytime you expressed a need. Over time, a child in that environment learns to adapt by turning inward. If emotional needs were consistently met with disinterest, criticism, or indifference, it starts to feel safer not to need anything - or anyone - at all. So as adults, avoidantly attached people often struggle to trust intimacy. Getting close feels risky, maybe even smothering. There’s a quiet voice inside that says, “It’s better not to rely on anyone,” or “If I open up, I’ll be disappointed or rejected.” That voice isn’t harsh - it’s protective. And it makes sense, given where it came from.

Emotionally, people with avoidant attachment may find it difficult to express their inner world. Vulnerability feels exposing. It can bring up discomfort, anxiety, or even guilt. It’s not uncommon for avoidantly attached individuals to downplay their feelings, distract themselves from emotional discomfort, or convince themselves they’re fine - even when something is clearly affecting them. Not because they’re cold or distant, but because they were conditioned to believe that emotions are something to deal with quietly - or not at all. In relationships, this often shows up as a need for a lot of space. They may love deeply, but when things get too emotionally intense or someone gets too close, they can feel the urge to withdraw. That can look like pulling away during conflict, shutting down when conversations turn emotional, or finding reasons to stay guarded. Not because they don’t care - but because closeness feels vulnerable, and vulnerability feels unsafe. And yet, many people with avoidant attachment still crave connection. It’s not that they don’t want love - they just don’t always feel safe receiving it. So they try to find a balance that keeps them emotionally safe, often without even realising they’re doing it. They might keep relationships casual, avoid depending on others, or even choose partners who are emotionally unavailable themselves - because it’s familiar, and it allows them to keep their guard up.

What’s important to understand is that avoidant attachment isn’t a character flaw. It’s not about being emotionally broken or incapable of love. It’s an adaptation. It’s what happens when your early world taught you that emotional closeness was unreliable or unsafe. You learned to protect yourself. You learned to be okay alone, because you had to be.

Understanding Disorganised Attachment

Disorganised attachment is often described as the most complex of the attachment styles, and that’s because it holds a painful contradiction at its core: the person you long to feel safe with is also the person you fear. That deep confusion - craving closeness but being terrified of it at the same time - can make relationships feel overwhelming, unpredictable, and even exhausting.

Disorganised attachment usually develops in childhood when a child’s caregivers were not just inconsistent, but also frightening or unsafe in some way. Maybe they were emotionally volatile, neglectful one moment and smothering the next, or even abusive. Maybe love came with conditions or threats. In these environments, a child’s nervous system is constantly on high alert, trying to navigate a relationship that feels both necessary and dangerous. That’s an impossible task, and the only way to survive it is to split - to emotionally disconnect, to freeze, to shut down whilst still longing for care. As adults, people with disorganised attachment often feel stuck in a push-pull dynamic. They may crave deep connection and intimacy, but as soon as they start to get close to someone, panic sets in. They might suddenly withdraw, pick fights, sabotage the relationship, or emotionally shut down - only to feel intense regret or longing afterward. It’s confusing not just for the people around them, but for the person themselves. There’s a deep desire for love, yet the moment love feels too real or too vulnerable, the threat of being hurt, betrayed, or abandoned rises to the surface.

This isn’t because someone with disorganised attachment is “too much” or “broken” - it’s because they’ve learned that relationships can’t be trusted. Love has been unpredictable, and emotional safety has never been a guarantee. So even when they’re in a relationship with someone kind, steady, and safe, their nervous system may still respond as if danger is imminent. That can lead to a cycle of hypervigilance, emotional overwhelm, and self-protection - often without fully understanding why it’s happening. People with disorganised attachment may also struggle with emotional regulation. Because their early experiences didn’t provide a safe model for soothing, their emotions can feel intense and difficult to manage. One moment they may feel incredibly connected and hopeful, and the next they may feel consumed by fear, anger, or shame. This internal instability isn’t because they’re dramatic or irrational - it’s a survival response that developed from having to navigate emotional chaos without any support.

Trust, for someone with disorganised attachment, doesn’t come easily. Even if they want to believe someone is safe, part of them may always be waiting for the moment it goes wrong. And because of that, they may test people - consciously or unconsciously - to see if they’ll leave, if they’ll get angry, or if they’ll reject them when things get messy. It’s not manipulation. It’s fear. It’s the nervous system saying, prove to me that I’m not going to be hurt again.

If this feels familiar to you, please know that it makes perfect sense. You adapted to a world that didn’t give you the safety and stability you needed. You learned to protect yourself in the only ways you could. That is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s a sign of just how resourceful and strong you are.

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The Similarities and Differences

Now that we’ve explored avoidant and disorganised attachment styles individually, it’s helpful to take a step back and look at where they overlap - and where they differ. On the outside, they can sometimes look a little alike. People with both attachment styles might pull away from closeness, struggle to express emotions, or appear distant when things get too vulnerable. But the reasons behind those behaviours, and the emotional experience underneath, are often very different.

One of the biggest similarities between avoidant and disorganised attachment is the fear of intimacy. Both styles are shaped by early relationships where emotional connection wasn’t safe or consistent, so it makes sense that closeness can feel threatening. When you haven’t experienced love as a safe space, it’s hard to relax into it. Your nervous system is wired to protect you from getting too close, just in case closeness leads to pain. So whether someone becomes emotionally unavailable or emotionally chaotic, that fear is usually sitting underneath it all - quietly steering the ship.

Another is self-protection. People with either of these attachment styles have learned to rely on themselves, because relying on others didn’t feel like an option growing up. That can lead to independence being worn like armour - something that feels safer than vulnerability. Both avoidant and disorganised types might struggle to ask for help, trust others deeply, or feel safe letting someone really see them. That kind of self-reliance can seem strong from the outside, but often it’s built on years of needing to survive emotional disconnection or unpredictability.

But here’s where they start to diverge. For avoidant types, the discomfort with closeness often feels logical and controlled. There might be a story in their head like, “I just prefer space,” or “I don’t need much from others.” Underneath that, of course, there’s usually a lot of unspoken fear and emotional pain - but it’s held tightly under the surface. There’s a sort of calmness to avoidant behaviour, even when it’s coming from deep fear. People with avoidant attachment have often become very skilled at minimising their emotions or detaching when things get overwhelming. That’s their safety zone.

Disorganised attachment, on the other hand, is often marked by emotional unpredictability. It can feel like being in a constant tug-of-war between wanting love and pushing it away. There’s more visible distress - more anxiety, more emotional swings, more moments of panic when closeness and safety feel out of reach. People with disorganised attachment usually know they’re struggling. They might feel confused, ashamed, or exhausted by their own reactions. They don’t want to sabotage connection - but their nervous system keeps sounding the alarm every time it starts to feel real.

In a way, avoidant attachment is more about emotional distance, whilst disorganised attachment is about emotional chaos. Both are trying to protect a wounded inner self, but they do it in different ways. And both can leave people feeling isolated - either because they’ve pushed others away, or because they feel too “messy” to be loved. It's also worth noting that sometimes these styles can blend. Some people have what’s called a fearful-avoidant style (often considered a type of disorganised attachment), where they display both avoidant and anxious behaviours. That might look like opening up, then panicking and withdrawing. Or needing reassurance one moment and rejecting it the next. It’s not inconsistency for the sake of drama - it’s a trauma response.

How These Attachment Styles Show Up in Adult Relationships

By the time we reach adulthood, our attachment patterns can feel so familiar that we often mistake them for personality traits, or just “how we are in relationships.” But really, they’re protective strategies that once kept us safe and now quietly shape how we give and receive love. If you’ve ever felt confused by your own reactions in relationships - or struggled to understand why closeness feels so hard - your attachment style might be playing a bigger role than you think.

For people with avoidant attachment, adult relationships often feel like a balancing act between connection and space. There might be a genuine desire to love and be loved, but it’s shadowed by a fear of losing independence or being overwhelmed by someone else’s emotional needs. Emotional intimacy can feel suffocating, even when it’s safe and kind. This might show up as needing lots of alone time, pulling back when things get serious, or finding subtle ways to keep others at arm’s length - like getting really busy, avoiding vulnerability, or focusing on flaws in the relationship as a reason to not go deeper. Conflict, for someone with avoidant attachment, can be especially triggering. Rather than addressing it head-on, they might shut down or withdraw, often because emotional confrontation feels threatening or unsafe. It’s not about not caring - it’s often about not knowing how to stay emotionally present without feeling overwhelmed.

On the other hand, disorganised attachment tends to bring a different kind of struggle into adult relationships. People with this style often feel torn - desperate for closeness, but terrified of what might happen if they get it. They might fall deeply into relationships quickly, only to panic once vulnerability sets in. There’s often a push-pull dynamic: wanting reassurance one moment, then rejecting it the next. They might overanalyse everything, constantly question whether their partner really loves them, or feel easily triggered by signs of distance or withdrawal - even small ones. This can lead to a rollercoaster of emotions: feeling elated and deeply connected one moment, and full of fear, doubt, or even anger the next. Relationships can feel unstable - not because the love isn’t real, but because the nervous system doesn’t know how to stay regulated in the presence of connection. And when the fear of abandonment runs deep, it can cause someone to sabotage the very closeness they crave.

In both avoidant and disorganised styles, trust becomes a central issue - trust in others, yes, but also trust in oneself. There’s often a lingering question: Can I handle this? Can I trust my own emotions? Will I be okay if I open up? These attachment styles often come with a core belief that love is unpredictable, conditional, or even dangerous - and those beliefs play out in how we approach connection. And this isn’t just about romantic relationships. These patterns can also show up with friends, coworkers, family members, and even in how we parent or care for others. Avoidant types may feel more comfortable keeping things surface-level, or they may find it hard to ask for help or receive support. Disorganised types may feel intense loyalty or emotional swings in friendships, or they may overextend themselves trying to avoid rejection or prove their worth.

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Healing and Moving Toward Secure Attachment

Healing your attachment style isn’t about waking up one day and magically becoming “secure.” It’s not about never feeling triggered again or never needing space or reassurance. Healing is much softer than that. It’s slower, quieter, and often a little messier than we’d like it to be. But that doesn’t make it any less meaningful. In fact, some of the most profound healing happens in those small moments when you choose to respond differently - even if just by a little bit. If you’ve identified with avoidant or disorganised attachment, you might be wondering what it means to move toward secure attachment. The truth is, it’s not about becoming someone else. It’s about becoming more of who you truly are underneath the fear, the defences, and the coping strategies. Secure attachment isn’t a fixed state - it’s a space where safety, trust, and emotional honesty can coexist. It’s something we can build, moment by moment, by showing up for ourselves and others in new ways.

For many people, the healing begins with awareness. Noticing when your old patterns are activated. Recognising when you’re shutting down, pulling away, people-pleasing, panicking, or numbing out. Not to judge yourself - but to pause and ask, “What am I protecting myself from right now? What do I need that I might be afraid to ask for?” That kind of gentle curiosity can begin to unravel years of automatic repsonse. It's important to say that healing doesn’t always happen alone. In fact, because attachment wounds are relational, they often need relational spaces to be healed. This might look like therapy with someone who understands attachment dynamics. It might mean cultivating friendships or romantic relationships where safety is mutual, and slow trust can develop over time. Sometimes, it’s even about reparenting yourself - learning to be the safe, loving presence you may not have had growing up.

For avoidantly attached people, healing might mean practising letting others in, even when it feels uncomfortable. It could mean learning to name your feelings instead of pushing them down or allowing yourself to ask for help without guilt. It’s the tiny stretch of vulnerability - the text you almost didn’t send, the conversation you almost avoided - that teaches your nervous system it’s okay to be seen.

For disorganised attachment, healing might involve finding stability within. That could look like grounding yourself in moments of emotional overwhelm, learning to self-soothe when panic rises, or reminding yourself that love doesn’t have to feel like chaos. It’s about staying present through the discomfort of connection, gently challenging the belief that closeness always leads to pain.

The path toward secure attachment is not a straight line. There will be days when it feels like you’ve regressed, when the old stories feel louder than the new ones. That’s okay. That’s part of healing too. It doesn’t erase your progress. Every time you pause instead of react, every time you offer yourself compassion instead of criticism, you’re rewriting something deep inside. And that matters. You don’t have to be perfectly healed to love or be loved. You just have to be willing to learn, to repair when things go wrong, and to keep showing up with kindness - even when it’s hard. Secure attachment isn’t a finish line - it’s a relationship with yourself and others that keeps unfolding as you grow. And the beautiful thing? You’re already on your way. If you’re here, reading this, reflecting on your patterns and wondering how to move forward - that’s a powerful start. You’re choosing presence over protection. Curiosity over fear. And step by step, that’s what healing really looks like.

The journey of understanding your attachment style is really a journey back to yourself. It’s not about fixing who you are - it’s about uncovering the protective layers you’ve built around your heart and gently learning how to soften them. Whether you’ve recognised avoidant patterns, disorganised tendencies, or a mix of both, the most important thing to remember is that these aren’t signs of being broken - they’re signs of how hard you’ve worked to stay safe.

Healing is possible. It takes time, care, and a whole lot of self-compassion, but it can happen. One breath, one choice, one tender moment at a time. You’re allowed to grow, to stumble, to heal, and to love - at your own pace. You don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of connection. You already are.

And just by being here, curious and open, you’ve taken a powerful step forward. That matters. You matter.