For better or worse, our parents shape so much of who we are. They’re the first people we look to for love, support, and guidance, and their behavior, whether they realise it or not, lays the foundation for how we see ourselves and how we navigate relationships with others. But what happens when our parents, the very people we rely on most, are emotionally immature?
If you’ve ever found yourself feeling like you had to grow up too fast, like your feelings didn’t matter, or like you were carrying emotional weight that wasn’t yours to bear, you might have grown up with an emotionally immature parent. This doesn’t necessarily mean your parents didn’t love you or want the best for you. Emotional immaturity isn’t about malice; it’s often about a lack of tools or understanding. It’s about unresolved struggles, unhealed wounds, and patterns of behaviour that they may not even be aware of. And yet, the impact on their children is undeniable.
To understand emotional immaturity, it helps to first define what it means:
Emotionally immature parents often struggle to regulate their own feelings, which can make it hard for them to be consistent or supportive in the way children need.
They might shy away from emotional conversations, dismiss or minimise their child’s feelings, or become overwhelmed when faced with conflict.
They might even rely on their children to meet their own emotional needs, flipping the roles in a way that leaves the child feeling unsupported and burdened.
In short, emotional immaturity often looks like a lack of emotional stability, empathy, or accountability—qualities that are crucial in parenting. But emotional immaturity doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It often stems from the parent’s own experiences, their own childhoods, and the unresolved pain they’ve carried with them. Maybe they grew up in an environment where emotions were dismissed or punished, where vulnerability was seen as weakness, or where they didn’t have the chance to develop healthy coping skills. Maybe they experienced trauma, neglect, or instability that left them emotionally stunted. Or maybe societal or cultural pressures taught them to suppress their emotions rather than address them, leaving little room for growth or healing.
Whatever the cause, these unresolved experiences shape how emotionally immature parents navigate their own lives—and by extension, how they parent you. They might not even realise the impact their behaviour has on their children, but that doesn’t make the effects any less real. When parents struggle to manage their emotions, they can unintentionally create an environment where their children feel unseen, unsupported, or even unsafe, maybe just like their own childhoods. And for children, those feelings can leave lasting scars.
So, what does it feel like to grow up with an emotionally immature parent? For many children, it feels like walking on eggshells. You might find yourself constantly trying to predict how your parent will react, tiptoeing around their moods, or doing whatever you can to keep the peace. You might feel like your feelings don’t matter, that you’re too much or not enough, or that you have to take care of your parent’s emotions because they can’t handle them on their own. And while these dynamics might start in childhood, they don’t always stay there. The patterns we learn growing up often follow us into adulthood, shaping how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, and how we navigate the world. What makes this even more complicated is that emotional immaturity isn’t always obvious. Your parent might have been loving in other ways—they might have provided for you financially, supported your achievements, or been present in ways that didn’t involve emotional connection. That can make it harder to identify and name the ways in which they were emotionally unavailable or inconsistent. It can also lead to feelings of guilt, as if acknowledging their shortcomings is somehow ungrateful or unfair. But here’s the truth: you can hold space for both. You can recognise the ways in which your parents loved and cared for you while also acknowledging the ways in which they fell short. And acknowledging it is important—not to assign blame, but to understand the roots of the patterns you might be struggling with today. Because growing up with an emotionally immature parent doesn’t just affect your relationship with them; it affects your relationship with yourself. When your feelings are dismissed or invalidated, you might start to question your own perceptions, wondering if you’re overreacting or if your emotions are even valid. When you’re expected to take on responsibilities that aren’t yours, you might internalise the belief that your worth is tied to what you can do for others. And when you don’t have a stable emotional foundation to rely on, you might find it hard to trust, to set boundaries, or to navigate your own emotions in a healthy way.
It’s also worth noting that emotionally immature parents don’t act in isolation. Their behaviour often reflects cycles of dysfunction that have been passed down through generations. Your parent might have been emotionally immature because their parent was too, and so on. These cycles aren’t easy to break, but understanding them is the first step. It allows you to see the bigger picture, to recognise that these patterns aren’t your fault, and to start imagining a different path forward.
So, where do we go from here? If you’re the child of an emotionally immature parent, what can you do to heal? First, it starts with recognising and validating your own experiences. Growing up in this kind of environment can leave you questioning your reality, but your feelings are real, and they deserve to be acknowledged. It’s also about understanding that your parent’s emotional immaturity is a reflection of their own struggles, not a measure of your worth. While their behaviour may have caused you pain, it doesn’t define you. Then eventually, once you are ready, you may want to start thinking about setting some boundaries—not just with your parent, but with the narratives you’ve internalised about yourself. It’s about learning to trust your emotions, to honour your needs, and to let go of the guilt or shame that might come from prioritising your own well-being. And if the weight of this feels too heavy to carry alone, remember to seek support from a therapist or a community that understands these dynamics, as it can make all the difference.
As a final note, this journey isn’t easy but it is worth it. Understanding the impact of emotionally immature parents is the first step toward breaking the cycle, healing the wounds, and creating a life that feels grounded in love, self-acceptance, and authenticity. It’s a path that’s as challenging as it is empowering, and if you’re on it, know that you’re not alone.
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