Unlearning the Hate Within: Healing from Internalised Prejudice
- Joanna Baars
- Apr 13
- 8 min read
Understanding Internalised Prejudice
Internalised prejudice is one of those things that can live inside us for years without us even realising it's there. It's quiet, subtle, and often deeply rooted in the way we were taught to see ourselves. It's not always dramatic or overt; in fact, it's often built into the everyday stories we hear, the comments people make, and the roles we are expected to play. But it again has a powerful impact on our self-worth, our identity, and the way we relate to others.
At its core, internalised prejudice is when we unconsciously adopt the negative beliefs, biases, or stereotypes that society holds about the groups we belong to. Instead of challenging those ideas, we start to believe them about ourselves. We begin to think we are less worthy, less capable, or less valuable simply because of our race, gender, sexuality, age, neurotype, or any number of other identity markers. And because this happens so quietly and so early, it often feels like truth instead of conditioning.
So how does this happen? Well, it starts early. From the moment we're born, we learn who we are through the people and environments around us. Family, school, media, culture, religion - all of these act as mirrors, showing us what parts of ourselves are celebrated and what parts are shamed. We absorb these reflections deeply. A child who sees their parents demean their own cultural background might learn that there's something embarrassing about their heritage. A boy who hears that crying makes him weak might learn to silence his emotions. A neurodivergent child constantly told to "stop being difficult" might come to believe their natural way of existing is a problem to fix. These lessons aren’t always said out loud. Sometimes they’re in a parent’s sigh when you dress a certain way, or in the characters who are always the punchline in TV shows. They're in the way your teacher praises you for being "so well spoken," or the way kids at school laugh when someone acts "too gay" or "too weird." Over time, these messages stack up and start to shape how we see ourselves.
What makes internalised prejudice so tricky is that it's not just about what others say about us - it's about what we start saying to ourselves. We take those external judgments and turn them inward. We stop questioning the systems or beliefs that made us feel small and start questioning ourselves instead. We might think, "Maybe I really am too much," or "Maybe I don't deserve love or success because of who I am." This self-directed bias can show up in so many ways. Sometimes it looks like shame, hiding parts of ourselves to fit in or be accepted. Other times, it looks like self-sabotage - not going after the job, the relationship, or the life we want because deep down we don’t believe we deserve it. It can also show up as perfectionism, constantly trying to prove our worth, or as disconnection, where we feel like we’re never truly at home in our own skin. And the thing is, this isn’t a personal flaw. It’s not about being weak or insecure. Internalised prejudice is a survival response. When you're growing up in a world that tells you certain parts of who you are aren't good enough, rejecting those parts can feel like the only way to stay safe. It’s not something you chose - it’s something you learned.
How Internalised Prejudice Manifests
Once we begin to understand how internalised prejudice forms, the next question becomes: how does it actually show up in our day-to-day lives? The answer is, in more ways than we think. Because internalised prejudice doesn’t just sit quietly in the background - it shapes how we see ourselves, how we interact with others, and what we believe we are worthy of.
One of the most common manifestations is shame. Deep, gnawing shame about who we are or where we come from. You might find yourself feeling embarrassed by your cultural background, your neurotype, your gender, or your sexuality. Maybe you avoid certain foods or clothes associated with your heritage, or try to hide traits that make you "different." Shame convinces us that these things make us less-than, when in truth they are part of what makes us whole.
Another sign is self-sabotage. When we’ve internalised the belief that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, or simply "not likeable," we often subconsciously find ways to prove it. We might procrastinate on important tasks, talk ourselves out of applying for jobs, or repeatedly choose relationships that affirm our worst fears about ourselves. It’s a painful cycle: believing you’re not enough, and then making choices that reinforce that belief.
Internalised prejudice also shows up in how we treat others who share our identity. Sometimes, we distance ourselves from those who reflect the parts of us we’ve been taught to reject. For example, someone who’s internalised misogyny might judge other women harshly, calling them "too emotional" or "too dramatic." Someone who’s internalised homophobia might feel uncomfortable around openly queer people, even if they identify that way themselves. It’s not hatred; it’s fear. Fear of being associated with what we were taught was unacceptable.
We might also find ourselves holding back in relationships. Struggling to trust. Struggling to feel worthy of care. When we’ve learned to doubt ourselves, to question our needs and dismiss our feelings, it becomes difficult to let others truly see us. Vulnerability feels unsafe. Asking for what we want feels like a risk. So we shrink, hide, or settle for less.
One particularly damaging way this shows up is in how we talk to ourselves. The inner critic - that voice that tells us we’re stupid, lazy, unattractive, or unlovable - is often the echo of the messages we received early on. That voice might sound like a parent, a teacher, a bully, or a culture that told us our identity made us wrong. And when we’ve been listening to that voice for years, it can start to sound like our own.
And then there’s the grief. The grief that comes from recognising what we’ve lost - whether it’s a connection to our culture, confidence in our identity, or the feeling of being truly at home in our own skin. This grief is valid. It deserves space. Because healing from internalised prejudice isn’t just about learning new things - it’s about mourning the parts of ourselves we were made to hide.
It’s also important to talk about how this impacts our mental health. Internalised prejudice can contribute to depression, anxiety, perfectionism, burnout, and even disordered eating or addiction. When we’re constantly trying to outrun a sense of unworthiness, it puts immense pressure on our bodies and minds. We’re not just managing daily life - we’re also fighting an invisible war inside ourselves.
But as painful as these manifestations are, they are not permanent. They are not who you are. They are responses. Adaptations. Evidence that you learned to survive in a world that made certain parts of you feel unsafe. And just as you learned those patterns, you can unlearn them. You can interrupt them. You can begin to choose differently.
And that’s where healing starts: with awareness. With noticing when shame creeps in. With questioning that critical inner voice. With choosing to surround yourself with people and messages that affirm who you are, instead of tear you down. With gently, persistently, reclaiming the parts of yourself that you were once told to let go of.
Healing from internalised prejudice is not about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming whole. And the more we name what we’re feeling, understand where it came from, and practice responding with compassion, the more we can start to break free from its grip.
Healing and Reclaiming Identity
Healing from internalised prejudice is not a straight line. It’s not a checklist you can tick off or a destination you suddenly arrive at one day. It’s a journey - a slow, deeply personal process of reconnecting with the parts of yourself that were pushed aside, silenced, or shamed into hiding. And the beautiful thing is that healing doesn’t require you to be someone else - it invites you to be more of who you already are.
For many people, the first part of healing starts with awareness. Simply recognising the beliefs you’ve been carrying is a powerful act of change. You might begin to notice how often you downplay your opinions, or how you second-guess your emotions. You might realise how quickly you jump to judge others who look or live like you. All of these little moments are clues - not of who you are, but of what you’ve been taught to believe. Once you’re aware of these patterns, you can ask yourself: where did this come from? Whose voice is this? Is this belief actually mine? Often, you’ll find that the things you’ve internalised were never really yours to begin with. They were passed down through family, reinforced by culture, and absorbed through repetition. Recognising that is freeing - it means you can begin to let them go.
Unlearning internalised prejudice takes courage. It requires us to sit with discomfort, to question long-held assumptions, and to grieve what we’ve lost. But it also opens the door to something far more powerful: self-compassion. Because when you understand that your self-criticism was learned, you can start to meet it with kindness instead of shame. This is where affirming relationships and communities can be incredibly healing. Being around people who reflect back your worth - people who affirm your race, your gender, your neurodivergence, your queerness, your culture - can help you rebuild a healthier view of yourself. It reminds you that you are not broken, that your identity is not something to fix, but something to honour and embrace. It can also be deeply healing to reconnect with your roots. If internalised prejudice disconnected you from your culture, language, spirituality, or creative expression, this is your invitation to return. You don’t have to do it perfectly. You don’t even have to know where to start. Just begin with curiosity, and let yourself explore what resonates.
Remember therapy can be a great safe space to explore this work. A good therapist can help you unpack the origins of your internalised prejudice and gently support you in building new ways of thinking and being. Therapy is not about blaming the past, but about understanding it, so that you can reclaim your future. And as you continue this journey, remember that healing doesn’t mean you’ll never feel shame or self-doubt again. Those feelings might still show up from time to time, especially when you’re stepping into new parts of yourself. But healing means those feelings no longer control you. It means you have tools. You have awareness. And you have choice. You get to choose to challenge the old messages. You get to choose new ways of speaking to yourself. You get to choose love over fear, curiosity over judgment, and authenticity over approval. Every time you do, you take another step toward wholeness.
This work matters. Not just for you, but for the world around you. Because as you reclaim your identity, you give others permission to do the same. You become a mirror that reflects possibility instead of limitation. And in doing so, you help disrupt the systems that taught us to shrink ourselves in the first place.
So wherever you are on this path - whether you’re just starting to question old beliefs or deep into the process of rebuilding - know that your healing is valid. It’s necessary. And it’s possible. You were never meant to live at war with yourself. You were meant to come home to who you are. And that home? It’s already inside you. It’s been waiting for you to return.
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