Why We Often Get Stuck in Unhealthy Behavioural Patterns: Exploring Unmet Basic Emotional Needs
- Joanna Baars
- 7 days ago
- 7 min read
Understanding Basic Emotional Needs
When we talk about survival, most of us think of the basics: food, water, shelter. But what’s often overlooked is that, as human beings, we also have emotional needs that are just as crucial to our development and well-being. These needs aren’t luxuries or optional extras - they are fundamental parts of what it means to feel safe, secure, and whole. From the moment we’re born, our emotional wiring starts to take shape based on how these needs are met (or not met). And what happens in those early years doesn’t stay locked in childhood - it quietly steers the course of our entire lives.
Some of our most basic emotional needs are universal. The need to feel loved. The need to feel important. The need to feel safe, wanted, and valued. These needs show up in the way a parent soothes a crying baby, or in how they respond to a child’s curiosity or pain. Emotional needs are often met in small, everyday ways - a kind word, a listening ear, a sense that someone genuinely sees and accepts you. But when these needs go unmet, or are only met inconsistently, a child starts to build an internal map that tells them something about their place in the world - and whether they’re safe in it. If a child consistently feels unimportant, they may grow up believing their voice doesn’t matter. If they’re made to feel like a burden or an inconvenience, they may start to silence themselves to avoid rejection. If they’re only noticed when they’re achieving or performing, they might learn that love is conditional - that they are only valuable when they’re doing something “right.” These lessons run deep. They become the silent scripts that shape how we relate to ourselves, to others, and to the world around us.
The trouble is, these early beliefs don’t tend to get questioned. We grow into them. They become so familiar that we mistake them for truth. And so, we begin to operate from those internalised messages, often without realising it. We find ourselves repeating certain patterns in our relationships, gravitating towards people who reinforce the roles we’re used to playing. Maybe we keep ending up in relationships where we feel unworthy or invisible. Maybe we sabotage opportunities that might bring us happiness or success. Maybe we cling to jobs or roles that overwork and under-appreciate us, because some part of us believes that’s all we deserve. And all the while, our emotional needs are still trying to be met. Just like physical hunger drives us to seek food, emotional hunger drives us to seek connection, validation, love. But if we don’t understand what that hunger is really about, we might end up feeding it in ways that hurt us.
The Long-Term Impact of Unmet Emotional Needs
When our emotional needs go unmet in childhood, it doesn’t just fade away with time. Instead, those unmet needs often settle into the fabric of our identity, shaping how we think, feel, and behave - sometimes in ways we don’t fully understand. What starts as a survival mechanism can become a lifelong pattern, one that keeps us stuck in cycles that feel painful or confusing.
For some people this might look like perfectionism - a constant need to prove themselves because they never felt good enough growing up. For others, it might take the form of chasing relationships that feel intense but unstable and people-pleasing, saying yes when they want to say no, because they’ve learned that love and acceptance are conditional. They may lose themself trying to be what others want them to be, just for the hope that they might finally again, feel good enough. Some might shut down emotionally, afraid of being vulnerable because they never felt safe to express their feelings. Others might become hyper-vigilant, always scanning the room for signs of danger, rejection, or disappointment. These aren’t random behaviours. They’re attempts to meet those old, unmet needs with the tools we had available at the time.
The brain is wired to seek out patterns and familiarity. That means when we grow up in environments where love feels unpredictable or safety feels fragile, we often recreate those dynamics in adulthood. We might find ourselves attracted to partners who mirror the inconsistency or criticism we experienced as kids.
Not because we want to be hurt, but because our nervous systems recognise the pattern - it’s what we’ve always known. There’s a strange comfort in familiarity, even when it’s painful. We may also be fulfilling an underlying fantasy to acquire the validation, love and respect that we never received from the original interactions in childhood that formed these very needs. In this way, unmet emotional needs can keep us looping through the same kinds of experiences, searching for resolution without realising what we’re really seeking. We want someone to finally choose us, to finally make us feel worthy or safe or wanted. But unless we address the root of those needs, we risk handing that power to other people - hoping they’ll give us what we never got, and blaming ourselves when they don’t.
This emotional vulnerability can also lead us toward more chaotic coping mechanisms. We may numb our feelings through addiction, overworking, or disconnection. Addiction, for instance, is often a response to emotional pain. It might be alcohol, food, shopping, work, social media, sex - anything that helps us avoid the ache of an array of unmet needs. Trauma bonding is another example, where we become intensely attached to people who hurt us, because the push-and-pull dynamic feels familiar. Self-sabotage, disconnection, anxiety, depression - these too can all be rooted in emotional deprivation.
Even the way we talk to ourselves is shaped by those early experiences. If we were criticised, ignored, or made to feel like we weren’t enough, we might have internalised those messages as truth. Our inner dialogue becomes an echo of the voices we heard growing up: "You’re too sensitive." "You’ll never be good enough." "Stop being so dramatic." It becomes harder to believe we deserve kindness, care, or love - not just from others, but from ourselves.
Breaking the Cycle and Creating Emotional Safety
Healing begins when we start meeting our emotional needs in ways that feel safe, steady, and kind. If unmet emotional needs are what drove us into cycles of self-sabotage or survival coping, then meeting those needs - consistently, consciously, and compassionately - is what gently pulls us out. But truthfully, creating emotional safety isn’t just about affirmations and mindfulness practices. It’s about rewiring the very foundation of how we relate to ourselves. If we spent years believing that love is conditional or that we’re only safe when we’re performing, then it takes time and intention to undo those beliefs. Emotional safety means knowing that we won’t abandon ourselves, even on hard days. It means trusting that our feelings are valid, our needs are real, and our worth isn’t up for debate.
The first step is developing self-awareness. That means learning to notice our patterns, triggers, and emotional cues. It means catching ourselves when we default into people-pleasing, over-explaining, or shutting down. Not to criticise ourselves - but to get curious. We can learn to pause when we feel triggered and ask ourselves: “What emotional need is trying to be fulfilled right now? Is this strategy helping me feel safe, valued, loved - or is it reinforcing my negative feelings/beliefs, maybe even making them worse? What do I think I really need instead? What might safety really look like in this moment for me?" This kind of self-inquiry helps bring the unconscious into the conscious, which is where all change begins.
Next comes validation. A powerful piece of healing is simply learning to say, "Of course I feel this way." When we acknowledge our experiences without minimising them, we begin to break the internal narrative that says we’re too much or too needy. We remind ourselves that our feelings make sense given what we’ve lived through. And when we stop fighting ourselves internally, we create the emotional space to start doing things differently.
And finally, boundaries follow. For many people with unmet emotional needs, boundaries were never modelled, respected, or taught. But boundaries are the scaffolding of emotional safety. They help us protect our energy, preserve our dignity, and stay connected to our truth. Setting a boundary isn’t about pushing people away - it’s about protecting the self we’re learning to honour. It might look like saying no, taking a break, asking for clarity, or walking away from dynamics that drain us. Every time we set a boundary, we send ourselves a message: I am worth protecting.
But in all of this, we mustn’t forget self-compassion. Healing doesn’t mean we stop struggling. It means we learn how to respond to ourselves with kindness instead of criticism. When we mess up, we offer ourselves grace. When old patterns creep in, we don’t spiral into shame - we pause, breathe, and try again. Emotional safety grows in those moments where we choose softness over self-punishment. Creating a life where our emotional needs are met is not a one-time fix - it’s a daily practice. It’s checking in with ourselves. It’s surrounding ourselves with people who reflect our worth back to us. It’s letting go of what no longer serves us, even when that’s scary. And it’s reminding ourselves again and again: I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to feel loved. I deserve to feel at home within myself. This is the work known as ‘reparenting’, of choosing a new path, of breaking generational patterns and creating new ones. It’s not easy. It requires effort, patience, and courage. But every step we take is a step toward freedom. The freedom to know that you were never asking for too much. You were always asking to be seen, heard, and valued. And you still are. The difference now is you have the power to offer that to yourself.
When we honour our emotional needs, we stop abandoning ourselves. We begin to build a foundation of self-trust, where we know that no matter what happens, we will not leave ourselves behind. That’s the kind of love that transforms. And we can start to get curious, rather than critical. We can begin to replace shame with understanding. When we see that our behaviours are rooted in unmet needs - not defects of character - we create room for healing. We can gently begin to meet those needs ourselves and build relationships with people who honour and support them too.
The journey isn’t linear. Some days will feel easier than others. Some patterns will take longer to unravel. But with patience, honesty, and support, we can rewrite the scripts that no longer serve us. We can create lives that feel less like survival - and more like home.
So, ask yourself gently, often: What do I really need right now? What would actually make me feel safe, grounded, and loved? Then listen. Respond. Rinse. Repeat. This is how we break the cycle. This is how we come home to ourselves.
Excellent explanation!